Just wanted to give a big thank you to everybody who read my last blog post. (And to the two people who commented on it). It was a difficult topic to write about, but it's all been building up inside me, waiting to be written, for the last two years.
Some people asked me why I didn't see somebody about how I was feeling and the PPD. Truth is, I didn't think I had PPD. I just thought I was a straight-up bad mom. I wasn't concerned about it. And isn't it POST pardom depression? I felt that was BEFORE Connor was born.
Once I realized that maybe it wasn't my fault, I guess I kind of denied it. I didn't want to tell anybody about it, and I didn't want to seek help. I grew up in a family where depression wasn't a disease-it was a lifestyle choice that you could get out of at any moment. Even when I discuss it with my family (or try) now, they don't want to hear me make any "excuses." They still think that my bad parenting and my lack of caring was a choice that I made, and they are still expecting me to take full responsibility for it and not blame it on something like PPD. They don't believe that such a disease exists.
I thought about explaining my feelings to my doctor on the day of Connor's first post-birth checkup. But a voice inside me was telling me not to. I was a new mom again. I was supposed to be thrilled with my new addition; not scared of it. I didn't want to tell anybody for fear of judgement. What if I DIDN'T have PPD? What if me not loving Connor really was a choice I made? What if it couldn't be helped? I sometimes thought that my feelings or lackthereof for Connor would never go away. PPD was something that goes away in time. But for me to have it for a YEAR? I didn't think that was normal and I was sure that I didn't have PPD; that I just had a mental illness that made me go from wanting to be a mother to wanting to take it all back.
And then, I remember that my love for Brayden never went away. If you would've asked me which one of my kids I loved more at that time in my life, I would have answered, "Brayden." without batting an eyelash. Now, though, of course, there is NO WAY I would be able to choose between the two. So I didn't want to really take it all back-just Connor. So I thought, "There's no way I have PPD because I still love Brayden and I want him. It's only Connor that I don't want."
I don't know. I thought about getting help about it now, but two years later, it might be too late. I don't have it anymore-would it really make a difference? I can't go back in time and change anything I did/didn't do, and I can't go back in time to make me love my son or feel any sort of responsibility for him at all. That's in the past. It's done, it's over with; I turned over a new leaf, so to speak, and I just feel like it's in the past and should stay there. No amount of help or venting or medication is going to change it.
But then there's always the chance of more children in the future. In the near future, if I can help it. I want my kids to be close in age, so why not? (Other than the fact that I don't have a man LOL)
Part of me thinks that I HAD PPD, and I could totally have a child and be as giddy and excited and love it as much as I loved Brayden from the first day that I found out I was pregnant. But could I? Can PPD COME BACK???? What if I have another child and get PPD AGAIN??
I already feel a lifelone, bone-deep guilt about the mother that Connor never had that first year of his life; the mother that he deserved. While I'm ready to be that mother now, will I ever be ready again?? Poor baby didn't deserve the treatment that he got; no child should ever have to go through that neglect, especially at that early age. It breaks my heart to think that there could be a chance that I would do that to another child.
So, really, the point of all this rambling is that yes, I DO want another child. NO, I DON"T think that I'm ready, or ever will be ready. I'm too afraid to do it again. I had what some people would consider "mild" PPD. What if I get severe PPD next time? I would never be able to live with myself knowing that I could do that to another child.
I'm going to research the hell out of this and yes, I WILL seek help BEFORE I even TRY to have another child. I am just so conflicted right now.....